Check Please....Tales of 50 bad dates.

There should be a quota of bad dates a girl should have to endure in a lifetime. Here is the formula: Let's say a girl starts dating when she is 16. 16+30-12=34 3+4=7... this young lady should go on 7 horrible dates. OK, this is not scientific...I just made this formula up. But I think that most people should not have to sustain more than 10 bad dates every ten years.  That is one awkward evening a year, kind of like a lady doctor appointment.  No one wants to go, but we know we have to and after it is over and a few weeks later the "all clear" postcard in the mail, we rest easy.  Wasn't sure I wanted to post my love life on a public forum but it is too bad not to share.  Here is a glimpse into a few of my recent California horrible dates.

Sparkle Man: This poor soul either had a cold or allergies that resulted in what could only be described as "Shiny Post-Nasal Drip". Throughout the 2 hour date, a small pool of clear snot resided on the real estate between his upper lip and bottom left nostril. My very sensitive gag reflex was teetering on shaky ground as I smiled and kept the conversation flowing. He also blinked about every 8-10 minutes, which lead me to believe we were in a unspoken "Stare off" game.  Men, if your nose is uncontrollably running, take an anti-histamine or reschedule the date! At one point I wanted him to shove TP up the nostril so I wouldn't have to keep staring at the sparkling river of goo.

KITTY! Man: Not all horrible dates are the other parties fault...I will take credit where credit is due.  *Cat Explanation below.  While walking home after a nice meal with a very friendly and BUFF man, I spotted a statuesque feline basking in the sun. Instead of taking a mental picture of this beautiful creature and continuing on our stroll, I screamed "THAT IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL CAT I HAVE EVER SEEN!" Then proceeded to run to pet the cat. Turning to look at my date as a cuddled the kitty I saw the look of fear in this mans eyes and read his thoughts: "DANGER! DANGER! CAT LADY! CAT LADY!" After that I should have probably put on a fanny pack, some cargo shorts and kissed all sex appeal goodbye.  We are still friends but nothing romantic ever happened. Note to self: 3-4 dates before any conversation of cats can be had, and even then all minimum enthusiasm.

Sundae Man: After a fun tournament of Ultimate Frisbee I met Sundae Man. He worked at a Nutrition Center and wanted me to teach a yoga class at the center.  I  gave him my number so we could talk about this new class.  Wow, talk about Bait and Switch, when he called the next day, he acted like we had never talked about yoga and proceeded to ask me out. Although I was peeved about the false promise, I decided he seemed harmless and a drink would be OK.  Our first date was enjoyable. So I agreed to see him on Sunday to go to the beach. Thus begins the makings of a PooPoo Sundae: He just got a DWI, tells me a story and calls an Ex a "tramp", smells like beer from the night before, when I say I am feeling tired he tries to hug me to make me "feel better", after I get out of the ocean he says "man you must be cold" while looking at my chest. The cherry on top: As we plop down on the sand after a swim in the ocean, this man FARTS! Completely unintentional, a squeaker sneaker. I look at him in horror as he tries to start a conversation to divert attention from his toot and I look at him point blank and say "You just farted."

Stay tuned for more Bad Date Stories: Dead Dogs, PowerPoint Presentation and Split Checks.

*I have a new love of felines. I recently discovered that I have grown out my cat allergy and had the pleasure of living with a delightful cat named Brutus. Brutus changed my attitude for these 4 legged friends. Thanks Bru-haha! I miss you (and your owner, Julie) everyday! 

BULLY

I recently received a message from a childhood schoolmate:
I doubt you remember me as this is quite over a decade out of date. However, at Newmark you made my middle school days a bit more bearable. For a quiet fat kid like me, it was not the easiest transition. You were always kind to me, despite the pressures of the other "popular kids". I simply wanted to thank you for your kindness. Though it has been almost 15 years, it made a lasting impression on me. Again, thank you, and I hope the years have been as kind to you as you were to me.


The person that wrote me this message could never know how much this means to me at this time in my life.  I remember this boy well.  Although in Middle School I looked like a 40 year old Hispanic women, I somehow had just enough spunk and fashion sense to be considered what I would call "middle class cool" and therefore I flew under the bully radar and was even accepted by the "upper class cool" kids. Special thanks to my childhood friends that never let our friendship diminish, even if at the time I did weigh more than most of our teachers (men included).

Bullying has seem to become this new "in" thing but the truth is, it has always been there.  Television shows like Glee and the "Bully" documentary have brought a spotlight on this topic. We are hearing about the harsh effects of bullying all over the media, young people ending their lives or using violence to express the pain that they are feeling.  I listened to a NPR podcast about the human brain when we are going through puberty.  Take a minute to think of something you have memorized from childhood; all the prepositions, 50 states and capitals, a silly song or rhyme. Now think of a vivid memory of embarrassment or sadness that is branded into your mind, both memories probably come from around the same time in your life.  That age between 11-14, MIDDLE SCHOOL! Our brains at this time are growing and flooded with new feelings and bombarded with knowledge. I don't know the answer to stop bullying, actually I don't think it will ever stop.  It even happens in the adult world, corporate play grounds, PTA mom's and dad's...but it is important not to take yourself or others to seriously.  We are trying to find our purpose, to find happiness, humor and love, it is just important to find these things, not at the cost of others.  I am grateful to my classmate for sending me this message, it brightened my day. 

The Ocean and Jicama

I have two new obsessions, the ocean and an unusual vegetable, jicama. Weird combination you say? Not as weird as a Pizza Hut and Taco Bell. I have a weird obsession with combo fast food places, I think it is so weird. There is cross contamination, it just isn't right. It's not natural!

Well, if you don't live near an ocean, (you should!) then you can try a tasty jicama. Jicama is a root vegetable that looks like a turnip, the texture of a less juicy (didn't want to say dry) apple with a semi sweet flavor. You can enjoy this treat plain or you can add some slices of avocado, lime juice and salsa to taste. I also like that this vegetable is also known as a "Yam bean", what a silly name. The Yam Bean/?Jicama only has about 50 calories for a cup and 6 grams of fiber! I am pretty much telling you about one of the healthiest things you can snack on. If the Jicama doesn't tickle your fancy, maybe the pictures of the ocean will. Oh yes, that is a little dolphin friend jumping up to say hello.

"Catch it with your Face!"

Adult Kickball. I had the pleasure of being part of a kickball team in Kansas City for three years, I loved getting out on the field every Thursday night. Of course a few adult beverages were consumed during this recreational sport, but besides the drinks, the friends that you made while playing this childhood activity was the main reason I came out to play. Knowing I needed to have a outlet to make new friends I have joined a kickball team in California. A different night to play and over 1,500 miles across the country but still the same fun. Although my KC teammates can never be replaced, you see similarities in each league. Same Terminology: "Catch it with your Face". This is a catch in which some part of your head is the primary reason that you made the epic save. I honestly thought that my team in Kansas City originated this saying.

Same Players: "Super Competitive" Guy, "Falls Down/Dirty" Guy, "Sassy Loud" Lady, "Crowds the Plate" Girl and "AARP" Guy (always one really old guy, who is surprisingly athletic despite age).

Same Same Types of Teams: "Fist Pumping" Team, the men wear baby shirts, the ladies cut up their shirts in "sexy DIY" fashions. *May find them air humping in outfield. "Jorts" Team, They all wear jean shorts and you almost see one of their teammates manhood as he slides into home.

Kickball is a way to be a kid again.

Enlightenment: Kind of...

Yogis from all over the world flock to India, the birth place of yoga and some of the greatest teachers to find inner peace and hone their daily practice. I thought that my trip to India would answer all the questions I had been struggling with: What is my purpose? Where should I live? Who should I love? I honestly thought that I would be laying on my mat after a hard practice, with sweat spewing from my pores and nerves tingling with life and BAM! everything would just come to me. A lightening blot, an apple falling from a tree: I would be completely healed of all my unknowing, then I would come back to California and create this new life purpose. Suddenly I would know exactly the steps to take to get my new job and new love. Reality: I would lay on my mat after a rather chilly practice since we started at 7am and the yoga shala was outdoors and I was struck with enlightenment alright: I am spoiled. I am spoiled to live in a free rich country, where I can go to yoga with a bamboo floors and a cozy 80 degree heated room and narcissistically think about myself. I can walk on sidewalks on clean streets, get hot water at all hours of the day in the comfort of my own home. So did I discover the meaning of life? No, but I did learn that going outside of your comfort zone and doing something that scares you will get you one step closer to those answers you seek. I don't know what my purpose is, I don't know if the type of jobs I am seeking will satisfy me, I don't know if California is where I should be. I do know that being pushed out of my comfort zone and seeing the other side of the world made me thankful for all that I have; family, friends, trash pick-up, running water, toilet paper...and it made me curious to see more. I encourage you today to do something that scares you (scares you not endangers you)! Take a different way home from work, go for a walk without your cell phone, go to a movie or concert by yourself. Anything....it doesn't have to be a trip around the world or quitting your corporate job. It can be simple or complicated, just different. I know you won't be disappointed.

Honest Bribe

I knew I was going to a "third world" country and in some sense I knew what that meant; poverty, pollution, no running water, etc. You can understand these things but you can never really grasp this reality until you have seen it. I went to Goa, the "Bahamas of India" I was in the most tourist spot of the continent, yet I now understand what "third world" truly means. India can only be described as exhausting sensory overload of beauty and despair. The book Shantaram by Gregory David Roberts "There is a difference between the dishonest bribe and the honest bribe. The dishonest bribe is the same in every country, but the honest bribe is India's alone." I did not read this quote until my 3rd day in India, This quote was a light bulb, I began to understand the culture. The place that I stayed was a restaurant and guest house, my group befriended many of the waiters. Harry was one of the waiters that we got to know during our stay (ok, his name wasn't Harry but I have no idea how to spell/pronounce his actual name). Harry lived in Goa with 15 others guys in a one bathroom house, he worked 6-7 days a week, he got Saturday off every other week. He told us a story of getting his drivers license. He went to the Indian DMV, took the test, past, went to the window to receive his license, the DMV told him to come back in 15 days. He came back 15 days later, the DMV said that he needed to take the test again. Harry took the test, past, they said he would have to come back again to get his legal papers. Harry then slipped the DMV man 200 rupee and was given his Drivers License within the hour. Imagine! The DMV is already a nightmare....Imagine having to give a $20 just to get anything done.

India...T-minus 23 hours.

This time tomorrow I have begun the first leg of 24 hours of travel. If all goes as planned I will land in Goa India at 3:20am two days later. If you have ever seen the commercial for Disneyland and the little boy is proclaims to his mother and sister "I'm too excited to sleep!", well this is exactly how I feel. I will be staying at the resort and restaurant "Bean Me Up". I am guessing the owner "Shawn" is a Star Trek fan. I will be practicing yoga at the Yoga Shala, Yogabones. The couple that runs the studio have been practicing for many years and Rolf was taught by the founder of Ashtanga Yoga, Sri K. Pattabhi Jois.

A few things I have learned thus far: Getting an Indian Travel Visa is a nerve racking! Especially if you have recently moved. Make sure you fill out the application in full, be ready to have to send them something else and Pam at the San Fran CA visa office is an angel on earth.

Also: There is no way to prepare yourself for a 14 hour plane ride. I have many books and Harry Potter on tape, but I have a feeling that after 7 hours I am going to be ready to be on land. I have an aisle seat so I intend on walking the aisle as much as possible. Other than that I hope I will be able to sleep! Maybe even catch up on the sleep I haven't been getting due to excited/happy mind chatter.